I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
