Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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