New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Randomize
