Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This house was built for laser tag.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
