We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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