just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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