So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
