All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
