My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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