Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
