I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
