she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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