remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
