My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
