i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Hippo gnu deer
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
