You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
