I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
