real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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