we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
