so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
