When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can you bring me the toilet please
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..