I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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