glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
