I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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