He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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