I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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