We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
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Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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