Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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