Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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