You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
