yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
