theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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