tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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