you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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