Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she peed on how many people?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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