i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
