Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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