i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You took a bar mat shot.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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