she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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