We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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