just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
