The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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