I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
