My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
