i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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