when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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