I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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