Whatcha textin bout Willis?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
