I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
