My balls are so social today.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
