i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
