I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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