so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
