what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
