even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
