i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
