Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
