My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
