At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I didn't notice because vodka
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
